My Sister, My Spouse
Does God have a Girlfriend?
In the previous century, in the developed world, in both secular and religious social circles, the complete dominance of the “boyfriend-girlfriend” paradigm in human male-female relationships tempts one to think that such an arrangement was a part of the original design in Eden. After all, it was just one guy and one girl that first day wasn’t it? Is this the original ideal?
Should we assume that God wants to provide us with a proper example of how to live happily here on earth? Does our world’s system accurately represent His example? If so, then surely in that case we would do well to ask, “Does God have a girlfriend?” If He doesn’t, then how did God intend wholesome male-female relationships to be modeled? Has our Creator left us with any clues as to the proper path to pursue? Did He set relational boundaries and limits, separating certain forms of relationships from others and notifying us of those limitations? What do healthy, functional, socially profitable, male-female relationships look like? Are they to be found well modeled in the structure of the human family as originally designed? Is the boyfriend-girlfriend model to be universally adopted as the correct pattern? Or is there reason to doubt the wisdom of a model that displaces original family structures? Should we assume that what we see modeled all around us is the natural and best course to be followed?
What does the Song of Solomon reveal about God’s worldview? Is this a boyfriend-girlfriend scenario, or is there something deeper being revealed? I’m curious specifically about the role of sisters in God’s paradigm. Why does the lover in Song of Songs, by Solomon, son of David, refer to his beloved as his sister? He uses the term, “my sister, my spouse” or similar, at least 5 times. Why is that? Is it because it is a high form of praise? Is it because it is the best term to describe the most intimate, relationship possible between a man and a woman outside of marriage? I wonder, how many men in the modern world successfully relate to their wife, or have the capacity to successfully relate to their wife, in that manner, as a sister? Or do most men tend to relate to their wife as a girlfriend?
Why does Paul encourage Timothy to relate to older men as fathers, older women as mothers? Does he challenge Timothy to relate to the “younger women as sisters with absolute purity” in the assembly because that is a beneficial, powerful and healthy relationship after which to model all of his interactions with younger women? Why does he not mention the possibility of relating to a girlfriend? Why is that missing from the list?
How was it that Jesus Christ related to women perfectly and was able to be so intimate with them in a purely non romantic context? We know by faith that Jesus never sinned, yet we also are told of the care shared between Him and some of the women in His life, Mary, Martha, and others. Can an unmarried man and woman share their hearts and enjoy oneness in a manner that pleases God? Father-Daughter? Mother-Son? Brother-Sister?
What is a sister? How does one relate to them? What are they for? Why are they there? And how does relating to them successfully according to the standard which is above all standards prepare a man for ruling well in his circle of influence, his home, assembly, city, nation and world?
It remains strange and disappointing to me as I become more philosophical in my outlook on life, that there is no other paradigm modeled or presented in a positive light in the modern world for males relating to females other than the “boyfriend-girlfriend” model. All of life is modeled before our eyes as if family does not exist.
To live as if there were no God is called “ungodly”. What is it to live as if there were no family? Unfamily? Whatever it’s called, it must be the second worst sin after being ungodly. It is in continued pursuit of wholeness as a person that I study these issues that shaped my mind from my youth.
It seems I recall this supremely self-centered, boy/girl social model being the dominant mindset from the time I was in kindergarten. All the upperclassmen modeled it well for us new kids, as well as the elementary students. The honorable brother-sister relationship described in the Bible as, “love one another with a pure heart fervently”, was not allowed to bloom and flourish.
If you ever showed the slightest interest in enjoying being with, or having fun with, a girl, you were immediately teased to death about being “sweet” on her. After a while all your relationships with girls revolved around “liking”, “not liking” and deciding which one you “liked the best”, and working up the courage to express your “likes” to your favorite and hoping it would be returned in kind. And everyone thought all we were doing was school work!
Is this where the break up of modern homes begins, by preconditioning men in their formative years to relate to women only in a romantic venue; and then challenging them to practice the cycle of “going steady” and “breaking up” with a few girls before trying marriage? I definitely think so on all counts.
The question needs to be asked, what happens when men aren’t raised like that? I’d like to meet some men who weren’t raised that way. I’d like to watch some of them relate to the significant women in their lives. I’d like to talk to them when they are 40 something and compare notes. I’d like to see inside the hearts and minds of some men whose world view was formed in the atmosphere of pure love, sincere affection, genuine appreciation and unashamed enjoyment of relating to the females that are a part of their daily life; when their heart is free to express with real pleasure the wonder and beauty of being with and relating to pure, clean girls their age; when they don’t even have a concept of puppy love, because they’ve never seen it modeled; when they aren’t soiled with the drippings of Sodom’s multi media sewers and cesspools, and have never imbibed the daily influence of that worldview. What kind of man would that make? Can I become a man like that? Paradigm shifts aren’t easy.
Do those men make better fathers, sons, brothers and husbands? Do they have an advantage in social settings to be free and yet stable in relating to females? Are they able to relate to women in their lives as adults the way Jesus did, intimately yet purely?
What is it like to love another girl or woman like a sister, with a pure heart fervently, and all thought or concept of romance not even be on the radar, even more, where such thoughts are not even capable of getting on the radar? What is it like to know where the line divides between pure affection and lustful affection? What is that like?
What will the next generation be like when they are through being digitally processed into perverts?
There is a gospel, there is a God, there is a Savior, there is freedom from sin, there is deliverance, and power to walk in newness of life.
I want to be a real man. I want to know what Solomon experienced in relating to his lover as a sister, even though she was his wife. I want to be able to minister to the adulteress like Jesus Christ himself did. I want to be a true man who knows how to possess his vessel in sanctification and in honor. I want to be able to have a happy home and work environment where I’m free to show proper affection to my daughters and female coworkers and live daily in the light of His countenance with nothing to hide. And I want to be able to relate to my wife some way besides romantically, like a brother, able to give and receive affection without being romantic with her because I’ve discovered that’s a major need in a woman’s life. She needs to know that she’s valued for something besides her romantic value. How does a godly man communicate that to the women around him?
Modern dress standards for women make it especially challenging. Am I saying that women are purposefully being seductive? That would certainly be the exception not the norm (in Christian circles, that is), for most of them it’s just ignorance and accidents. But where are the older women who can teach proper attire? Even the priests in the tabernacle were warned to adopt special clothes to avoid accidental exposure as they ascended the stairs to offer sacrifices. Are we supposed to learn any lesson regarding proper dress from the Bible? If we can’t have real, consistent freedom from sin what kind of gospel do we have?
Oh to be a whole man, a real man, made in the image of God! It’s coming, if I just give it time.
I know the way back now through Him, I know now how to trust that hand leading me through dim places where I can only follow the guidance of His still small voice, I know now that eternal life is in knowing Him, and that His words are able to make me wise unto salvation, and I thrill to find Him renewing, rebuilding, regenerating this man, from the inside out, teaching him how to relate to younger women as sisters, with all purity.
What a wonder, what a God, what a world He lives in; and what a life to join Him in that existence and know abundant life, eternal life, real love and pure affections and the unspeakable blessing of relating to the wonderful, beautiful, female creatures we call women, mothers, daughters, wives, and sisters.
Sorry, the answer is no; God does not have a girlfriend, it is not in His list of relationships. On God’s planet, there are no girlfriends! Only precious sisters, and mothers and daughters and wives. Isn’t it amazing the absence of the boyfriend-girlfriend model in His world view! It’s as if it doesn’t exist. What would happen if we tried living as if it didn’t on our planet? Maybe my son will get a chance to find out, Lord let it be so, Amen! Let my son grow up with the correct mental patterns, with the truth of salvation and the ability to relate well to women and especially the younger women as sisters. Let him have a totally wholesome, healthy patterning with his sisters and know the joys of loving and enjoying them to the fullest, in absolute purity. Do real brothers and sisters pray together? Do they challenge one another with character building projects? Do they laugh and sing, fight and argue, offend and forgive, love and serve, and work and play together? Do they experience bonding at the soul level? Do they fellowship heart to heart? Do they genuinely like and love each other without shame? Can they share appropriate touch and physical affection in purity? What is that like? Is that a pleasant experience? Is that the best practice for being happily married - to learn in your home to happily love and serve one another?
Perhaps in the U.S. there are some young brothers and sisters entering into a proper, healthy experience as the home schooling movement takes families out of the standard, global, paradigm-enforcing, educational environment. Perhaps there are some in the home schooling movement who, on the contrary, are finding it an ideal environment for the opposite to occur. Perhaps some parents are finding that they can take their children out of the world but they can’t get the world out of their children. Perhaps God’s mercy and grace is being poured out in exposing the lies and revealing the truth by His good Spirit.
Perhaps it’s time to come face to face with the hard, cold, bitter reality that the entire world paradigm, when it comes to male-female relationships, is a LIE, founded on living in the absence of God and in the absence of family. How many of us are willing to live in a world predicated on the absence of those two key elements of a happy, prosperous civilization? How many of us are guilty of propagating that lie with our lives while we preach a different message to our youngsters? How many of us are fooling ourselves that we can adopt a piecemeal approach to managing the debacle of the modern educational system? Can we opt out into God’s world, into His brother-sister in purity paradigm, and bring up our youngsters in the fear of Him, in the absence of the false boyfriend-girlfriend paradigm? May all God’s little ones escape the scourge and blight of that lie and live in the glorious freedom of the truth.
Arm yourself and family with the full gospel. Get properly converted and embrace the full gospel message which includes forgiveness for what we have done wrong and freedom with full authority from having to do wrong. Understand the role of the Holy Spirit and be continually filled. Nothing breeds victory in others like victory in your own soul. Learn to live in victory by faith over sin in your own life. Self control in one area helps pattern the mind in the same direction in other areas. Be a good role model and a proper leader. Learn to pray with authority and cleanse your environment by binding and serving eviction notices to evil spirits in the area of jurisdiction you live in.
Don’t leave your children to themselves. Arm your family with knowledge, wisdom and understanding of the issues. Teach your children all they need to know about romantic matters and how to possess their vessels in sanctification and in honor. Train them to understand proper boundaries and teach them to identify the trespassing of such. Don’t wait for them to learn it from their friends, neighbors or relatives. Treat the subject candidly and with wonder, in a warm and loving atmosphere of fellowship, not with a shameful, embarrassed or dirty connotation. Train them to discern the difference between healthy and unhealthy affection with their spirit, not only with their reason. Teach them proper response to attacks of their person or the persons of others.
Work on keeping the lines of communication open with your children and build trust and win their heart. Encourage them to discuss anything and everything with you and to ask lots of questions. If they are old enough to think up or over hear a question they are old enough to know the answer. Encourage them to confide in you and never betray a confidence or react in anger to their confessions.
Build an alternative worldview. Live as if boyfriends and girlfriends do not exist. Fail to mention the subject on a permanent basis unless required. Let your children experience and express their natural affections for you and one another and avoid creating paranoia regarding other intentions. Make a big deal about marriage. Celebrate it and reinforce proper patterning. Be proactive in creating opportunities for your children to observe a world view which reflects righteousness and purity.
Shelti is a 1986 graduate of WCFS.
This article was edited from its original form for content and length. For a unedited copy, and “additional notes to parents” please make your request via email.