Marriages Are Made in Heaven
by Gary L. Cox
My wife and I will celebrate our 35th anniversary on December 16, 2007. We are not surprised that we are still married, and we are not arrogant to say so. We have received marriage on God’s terms and He has given us grace for continuing to the end. Marriage must be embraced on God’s terms. God hates divorce. He views divorce as violence, a treachery against a blood covenant of youth. (Malachi 2:16; Deuteronomy 22:13-19) The Bible teaches that God confirms marriages from heaven. God will involve himself in the marriage decision if we invite him.
When the disciples heard Jesus explain God’s limited view of divorce they were astonished. They didn’t see in his words an intricate system providing for divorce; they recognized that God’s allowance for divorce was so limited that they despaired at the prospects of marriage altogether. (Matt. 19:10) Jesus agreed with them. There is limited hope for marriages that are made by choosing a spouse without God’s help.
God can practically participate in the marriage decision by ordering our steps toward it. O LORD, I know that the way of man [is] not in himself: [it is] not in man that walks to direct his steps. (Jeremiah 10:23) God delights to take personal care of his children. God recognizes the limitations of man’s ways, and it is at these places that he will involve himself if we will ask him. Prayer for God’s help should provide discernment of his leading in very specific matters. Marriage is pretty specific.
Prayer must have right motives. God, not man, discerns right motives. First, we often fail to pray. Second, we sometimes think we pray but God sees wrong motives. (James 4:2-3) Simply put, fleshly lusts mess up sincere prayer; therefore it is not hard to imagine fleshly lusts messing up the marriage decision as well. Young men must flee youthful lusts. (2Timothy 2:22) Lust is what we must deny ourselves when we take up our cross and follow the Lord as his disciples. (Mark 8:34; Titus 2:12) Lust is what we must put away when we seek to do the will of God. (1Thessalonians 4:3) I can’t imagine any marriage choice being free from lust of the flesh if sincere prayer is not a genuine part.
Most modern dating is based upon self-gratification, not self-denial. Will God use self-gratification to discern his will? This kind of dating easily defrauds individuals of what belongs to their future spouse. Paul defines defrauding as going beyond in any matter. Yet his words are in the context of sexual purity. (1 Thessalonians 4:1-8) The first discipline of marriage-selection is self-control: learning how to possess one’s own body in sanctification and honor. Reserving emotions is the first step of sanctifying them for marriage.
After the fall, God imposed new design elements on marriage (Genesis 3:16). The most prominent feature of this is the emotional desire of the wife for her husband and his spiritual duty to rule over her emotional desires. This strong emotional desire that God gave to the woman is exclusively the property of the wife and her husband in the context of their marriage. Furthermore, these desires require the husband’s care-giving for spiritual success. (See also Ephesians 5:25-33; 1Peter 3:7) I believe the father is the guardian of the woman’s desire until her husband takes over. Therefore, it is important to emphasize that any careless behavior between the opposite sexes can lead to the stirring up of this desire, and that is defrauding.
We cannot control many things in our environment, but we can teach our children how to possess their bodies in sanctification and honor. Gratuitous dating or any other type of fraternizing that stirs up the feminine desire is wrong focused and leads to defrauding children of their marriage privileges.
I believe that is what Paul meant when he commanded Timothy to treat the younger women as sisters with all purity. (1Timothy 5:2) Purity means to preserve for God’s intended purpose. Generally, a young man never thinks of marrying his sister, so he never leaves the slightest impression that she is singled out for special consideration. A young man should never encroach upon a young woman’s natural desire for a husband until he is that prospective husband. Instead he should be taught from childhood that careless stimulation of the feminine gift can easily lead to adultery and destruction. (Proverbs 5) This is why parents must play the role of spiritual discernment when their children enter the age of emotions and temptation.
When Adam received his wife, God made the choice, Adam was asleep to the process. As a metaphor, this is a good model. Hold your protests long enough to consider that God was pretty good at design. He made man to need a wife and not dwell alone. He designed the nature of physical and emotional attraction. Can we say God made the perfect choice for Adam? Of course he did, but can we extend his personal input and care to ourselves? I think we can.
I believe God can be involved in the process of choosing spouses for our children today. Abraham sent his eldest servant to choose a bride for his forty-year-old son. That may sound untenable for today; but is it? Isaac’s bride selection is a practical illustration of parental influence, spiritual considerations and prayer in the process of choosing a spouse. Read Genesis 24.
House and riches [are] the inheritance of fathers: and a prudent wife [is] from the LORD. (Proverbs 19:14 ) Genesis 24 begins with the statement that Abraham was blessed in all things and well advanced in age. Taking initiative for getting Isaac a wife was a part of his own faith-filled journey, and it was his own spiritual heritage that prompted him to practical involvement in finding a wife for Isaac. However, in all of Abraham’s efforts, we see him depending on God, not his own devices. Each element of Abraham’s plan was rooted in spiritual purpose.
Abraham had two major concerns: first, that Isaac’s wife was not taken from the Canaanites; and second, that Isaac not go back home if the chosen woman was not willing to leave her home. Abraham also had one major confidence: God would send his angel before his servant thus he could have confidence in this endeavor. These three elements composed Abraham’s motives and methods. They do not encroach upon the sacred truth that God provides prudent wives, they reflect it. All Abraham did was initiate the search and trust God to go before and be the actual provider. This is the heritage of all who share the faith of Abraham.
The unfolding process began with the prayer of the servant. He simply asked God for blessing and kindness upon his master. He found himself at a cultural crossroad (the well), but he asked for a heavenly sign for discernment. “Show me the one”, was his prayer. God did. Now at this point, I can’t imagine many sincere Christians who would balk at such a direct provision from God as a spouse of heavenly choosing. Every member of Rebekah’s house clearly perceived God’s hand and left the final decision up to Rebekah. She immediately followed. No courtship, dating or engagement period, just confident surrender. The results? “And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother’s [death].” (Genesis 24:67)
Can we use Abraham’s example? The practical difficulty is how to involve parents in our present culture without overstepping God’s role. Children have to want this heritage as well. Both of Abraham’s grandchildren failed in one of the two chief objectives that he held out for Isaac. One married Canaanite women and the other ended up living back at home for twenty-one years. But I hold out that if parents have a spiritual heritage, they have every duty to extend it to their children. Furthermore, if the children will have it, God will give them that same heritage of faith as well.
Marriage selection is a necessary process. The process is unique in every case. While my wife and I do not practice a particular model of courtship or dating per se, we teach our children that any behavior that singles out someone from the opposite sex begins the process of marriage selection. Idly done, it is defrauding; deliberately done, it requires God’s input. Parents are a part of God’s input, but we like Abraham must depend on God to send his angel before us to bless our desire.
Prayer to God and confirmation from God ought to precede the initiation of any special relationship between members of the opposite sexes. We ask our children to let God confirm his choice before any young man begins tugging at the heartstrings of the young lady. Pray. In time, God will answer prayer that is free from selfish lusts.